Humans, with the exception of the Kardashians, will be extinct in as few as 100 years because the planet will be uninhabitable, according to a joint study released by the world’s leading bio-diversity experts, in association with the National Hockey League. The 200-page report cites a combination of factors leading to the demise of the human species, including overcrowding (especially on the #4 uptown train at rush hour), climate change and generally poor dental hygiene.
The report, entitled “Essentially Screwed: How Our Denial of Climate Change Has Finally Caught Up With Us,” claims that we have officially entered the 6th human extinction event in planet’s history. Prior to that, the most recent event was the Permian mass extinction that occurred 250 million years ago, on a Tuesday. Known as the “Great Dying,” Permian was triggered by a massive lava flow in an area of Siberia that led to a sudden and severe increase in global temperature. That, in turn, caused the melting of frozen methane deposits under the seas. Released into the atmosphere, those gases caused temperatures to skyrocket further. All of this occurred over a period of approximately 80,000 years, although many people said it went by in the wink of an eye. The change in climate is thought to be the key to what caused the extinction of most species on the planet, although many argue it was caused by a bad batch of chicken. Either way, in that extinction episode, it is estimate that 95% of all species were wiped out, which all but shut down summer tourist season along the Jersey shore.
Today’s current scientific and observable evidence strongly suggests that we are in the midst of the same process-only this time it is happening exponentially faster than the Permian extinction. Doomsday scenarios suggest massive disruption with each increase in global Celsius temperature:
- At a one-degree increase in Celsius temperature, there will be as much as a four-fold increases in: Category 5 hurricanes; F5 rated tornadoes; Richter-scale 8+ earthquakes; and more stupid shit said by Donald Trump. Plus, it will be difficult to find a decent tailor.
- At a two-degree increase, the polar ice caps will begin a precipitous meltdown, causing widespread flooding along coastal areas. New York City will be likely become submerged, making it even more difficult to find a ticket to Hamilton for less than $3,000.
- At a three-degree increase, the seas will become acidic from increase carbon dioxide levels, killing off all aquatic life forms and causing an even greater increase in air temperatures around the globe. All forms of plant life will be wiped out. And, unless you’re friends with the starter, don’t even think about getting a tee time on the weekends.
- At a four-degree increase, Homo sapiens will begin to die off. Members of the Tea Party along with the state of Kansas, will cynically mis-state the word homo-sapiens to homosexuals, claiming this extinction event as the will of God and also suggesting the outcome might have been different had it not been for Obamacare.
PLANNING FOR EXTINCTION
In that the last human extinction event occurred 250 million years ago, we have little in the way of valuable information other than a few Facebook posts. We have no way of knowing how to prepare for an experience that will cause a fair amount of anxiety and make it all but impossible to get a reservation at a decent restaurant. Still, there are few common sense steps you can take to prepare your family for the end of life, as we know it:
- If you haven’t already done so, have the post office put a hold on your mail delivery until after the extinction event ends.
- Be sure to pick up your dry cleaning; many dry cleaners will not hold clothing items until you return from the end of time, as we know it.
- Assuming you can reach someone in Time-Warner’s customer service department, cancel your cable service. But remember, you’ll need to get the converter box to a Time Warner office before the world ends, otherwise they will continue to charge you each month.
- Unless you’ve made a significant deposit on a hall, you should reconsider having a wedding or bar mitzvah during a time when all of your friends and relatives are either dying or planning to die.
- Talk openly and honestly with your children about the end of humanity. Assure them their lives will soon be filled with unimaginable horrors, massive loss of life and the distinct possibility Old Navy will be closed for an indefinite period of time.
- Make sure your homeowner’s insurance policy has been updated to cover a human extinction event. “As we learned from the Permian extinction, a lot can happen in 80,000 years,” said Lester Woonch, an insurance blogger from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. “The last thing you want is to not be covered if your home is submerged in in 40 feet of Arctic melt-off.”
- Or, you can sell your home now and hold onto the profits. According to Millie Scott of the National Association of Realtors, home prices fell nearly 80% during the last human extinction event, but eventually rebounded. “Real estate is always a good bet,” said Scott. “Us Homo sapiens is resilient…we’ll be back.”You can keep track of developments with regard to the next big human extinction event on Facebook at “We’re All Dying Out Here” or on Twitter #burnedtoacrisp #toldyousoMitchMcConnell #hamiltontxforsalecheap
You can keep track of developments with regard to the next big human extinction event on Facebook at We’re All Dying Out Here or on Twitter: #burnedtoascrisp #toldyousoMitchMcConnell or #hamiltontxforsalecheap