My Mid Life Crisis Ride
Humor
Posted June 2016. Facebook

I had to buy a new car this week. I didn’t want to buy a new car. Yes, my paid off VW Passat was acting funky. Being a fiscally responsible (i.e. cheap bastard) person, I argued for repairing the paid off Passat and running it into the ground. Kate was of the opinion that I cut my losses and purchase a new car. As is common with matters of great importance to me (i.e. where to live, what to wear, when to trim my nose hairs) Kate weighs in. And decides. In this case, we (she) decided to fix and sell the paid off VW Passat and purchase a new car.

What guy doesn’t relish the idea of buying a new set of wheels? Well, this guy, for one. So, I decided to approach the process imagining I was having a classic mid-life crisis. I’ve never had a mid-life crisis; always wanted to have one. I mean, yes, I’ve had socks disappear. And then there was the colonoscopy. But nothing juicy, like an affair with the Brazilian maid we never could afford. Next to an affair with a Brazilian maid, buying a new ride is the quintessential sign of a mid-life crisis. I was all in!

I started scoping out muscle cars, classic mid-life rides, like Corvettes or Mustangs. Or, yes, the ultimate mid-life crisis statement: a Harley Davidson. I could feel that crisis welling up inside of me; saw the young ladies eyeing me lasciviously as I cruised down the street. (This is important because I’ve been eyed suspiciously, but never lasciviously before). What I didn’t know was that Kate was also scoping out mid-life crisis rides for me, which is why I’m now making my statement behind the wheel of a 2016 Honda FIT.

To her credit, she allowed me to participate in color selection. I could choose between black or white, but she “strongly encouraged” me to choose white because it doesn’t show as much dirt. I pushed hard for a five-speed manual transmission, arguing that guys in the midst of a mid-life crisis needed to shift gears. She smiled, patted me on the head and said: “You’ll just grind the gears and ruin the transmission.”

I feel pretty good about how I handled these negotiations with Kate, how I was firm in my convictions and stayed true to myself as a man. Yes, I don’t have a Corvette or a Harley! But, with my Honda FIT I will get up to 45 miles to the gallon and have a smokin’ extended powertrain warranty (if I could just figure out what a powertrain is).

What Kate didn’t anticipate is that she’s put me into this, hot, sexy, fuel-efficient new ride at the same time she’s decided to leave town for an extended weekend. So ladies, I’ll be cruisin’ the parking lot of Costco all day Saturday, pumping Adele’s latest tunes out of my NOT-state-of-the-art Honda FIT sound system. Your fantasy has arrived! I also have a Costco membership, so if you need a veggie platter or a 25-pound bag of oversized shrimp, I can set you up.